


Is This What You Want?

by Incompetence (LyubovMoya)



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Background Relationship Shizuo/Tom, Breakup, Izaya leaves the country tbh, Keep goin' ya filthy animal, M/M, Seems fitting, This is all I ever write about, no SMUT whatsoever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 20:47:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9343391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyubovMoya/pseuds/Incompetence
Summary: With trembling hands, Izaya stands before the boarding gate. His heart tenses, nausea building and settling heavily in the pit of his stomach. The voice overhead made him tremble even more so. How unlike him, and yet he couldn't contain himself."Flight number 341 now boarding for Honolulu."He took those few dividing steps into the terminal.Is this really what he wanted?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is a simple one-chapter story so I hope, even if it's a mere few of you, that you can find some satisfaction in it! I know that many people are hoping for me to continue other works, but I'm simply not motivated enough at the moment. I myself, like Izaya, am in the process of moving to Hawaii, so writing anything other than angst isn't really appealing to me at the moment OTL
> 
> I promise to work diligently on other works!

Where did he go from here?

Izaya sat in the small food shops clustered together in the middle of the airport. Luckily, they provided seats that still offered a decent view of the runway. He sat poised in his seat, one leg crossed firmly over the other.

He simply couldn't bare his current lifestyle anymore. He was baffled that a breakup, ten months ago mind you, could leave him this disheveled. He'd spent these painstakingly long months pining after Shizuo and he was becoming utterly terrified that he'd spend his whole life doing so.

It didn't bother him, if he was telling the truth to himself, that he would pine after Shizuo for the entirety of his life, but he refused to hold himself back from experiences that he wouldn't sought after before their romantic relationship was established. Except for sex. The thought of lying with someone else sent Izaya into a fit of nausea that he couldn't tame. The way his stomach did flips when someone lightly pressed a palm to the small of his back.

Disgusting..

What scared him mostly was that he knew Shizuo could, and did, move on from him and he was stuck in this endless loop of the grieving process. It just wasn't fair. He didn't understand why he had been subjected to this level of self-torment when he didn't believe that the connection between the two of them ran deeply in the first place. Why him? Why was he the one who was going to have to jump through hoops and carefully plan the rest of his life according to a breakup that wasn't supposed to mean so much?

The rejection he faced when he asked for Shizuo back didn't hurt, at least he had anticipated a no. It helped honestly. Who knows how much further he would've been sent back into this cycle of grieving if he hadn't decided that, no matter the outcome, he was worth the rejection. The confession was more for himself than for Shizuo, he couldn't deny. The only thing about the confession that was directed toward the pseudo-blond was the apology for the years of mistreatment Izaya had subjected him to. Looking back, even that fell upon deaf ears and was somehow managed to be deflected back to him. Izaya wasn't challenged, he knew it was his fault. That's why he was apologizing in the first place, but it hurt all the same when Shizuo made no note of his efforts, there had been no praise, no acceptance or talking about their past, he only furthered the blame as if he was the only one who had taken the damage and carried burdens. Had he not seen how much Izaya had worn himself down for him and-

"Sir, sir are you alright?"

The voice made Izaya grit his teeth, he refused to be pulled from reflection as he kept his gaze glued to the planes through the window. Izaya gave a subtle nod, trying to continue with his thoughts.

"You've been staring across the landing strip for quite some time-"  
"Mmn," Izaya muttered curtly.  
"I just thought-"  
"Have I not said I'm fine?"  
"Y-yes sir."

A gentle sigh escaped his lips. Izaya had been left to his terms and anxieties for far too long now. He finally decided that he simply couldn't bare the closeness any longer. Seeing Shizuo and Tom walking together was enough to make his heart palpitate and palms sweat. He was the one to initiate the well-wishing of the holidays, birthdays, generally any excuse to text Shizuo, he'd taken and yet when his own birthday had rolled around, there had been no text on his phone from the older male.

He could take hints.

After that, Izaya had promptly changed his cell phone number, email address, packed his belongings and even went as far to move the the United States to hopefully find some alleviation from the sadness he only seemed to find at home. That's actually how he found himself sitting in the airport. 

Everything just hurt so much more than he had ever anticipated it could. It didn't help that someone who was close to Shizuo, Shinra, had all but ditched his ties with the other and had been focusing his attentiveness to Izaya. The closeness made his chest ache, sometimes, the way that they would subtly trash-talk the brute. Of course, never when Izaya was sober. He was very defensive, some might even say protective of Shizuo, when he was sober. His first physical fight had been with someone he had once dared to call a friend only three months after his relationship had ended. Izaya couldn't grasp the concept of how people thought that all of their exes had to be damned and displaced for them to feel like human being again. That friend didn't understand that either, he mused bitterly.

These conversations always happened past three a.m. while he had already had too much to drink, too quickly, on his own and had sent text messages to Shinra in which the brunette would swear he could smell the alcohol. He couldn't help it though, alcohol was one of the many vices he had found himself entangled with. The others were history at this point, but alcohol had a firm, tight hold on his grasp like that of a mother guiding her child through a crowded amusement park.

He couldn't say he cared though, nothing swayed him much in either direction anymore. It made waking up and preforming 'normal' functions taxing.

Izaya stood from his chair and slung his carry on bag over his shoulder once more so he could pace near the glass. His head was beginning to ache, so much of his thinking was about how he was going to miss winter and snow, true coldness, sights, architecture... He let his mind trail and yet he was always acutely aware of the blond nipping and tearing away at the seams of his being in the back of his mind.

A prickling sensation formed in his eyes and he couldn't help but smile. These feelings were all he had left and expressing them outwardly was the most important aspect of Izaya's life.

He willed them away after a moment, pulling out his boarding pass so that he could head to the gate now. The flight for Hawaii departed at midnight and it was alright eleven forty. 

His steps toward the terminal were heavy and leisure. There was a certain aura that surrounded him now that even surprised himself. It was almost as if he was trying to determine if he had any other routes. He wanted so desperately for Shizuo to be there and beg him to come 'home' to Ikebukuro with him, but what a far off illusion that was. A sharp pang radiated from Izaya's chest down his spine. Why did he always think of things that would break him?

He sighed gently. It's what he deserved after all.

"Flight 341 now boarding for Honolulu."

Izaya's heart tensed and jumped in his throat. He was suddenly choked up and hesitated.

What did he want? Was this worth it? What if Shizuo contacted him when- if- he and Tom broke up? He wasn't prideful, being a backup didn't bother him when it came to Shizuo. 

"Last call, flight 341 now boarding for Honolulu."

Swallowing harshly and fighting through the hesitation, Izaya managed to push himself to the gate and through the terminal onto the plane. He put his luggage overhead and sat uncomfortably in the window seat.

Whether this ended up being what he wanted or not, he was here.

"Flight 341 for Honolulu now departing."

**Author's Note:**

> Anyways and as always, I hope you enjoyed this short story. You can find me on tumblr at  
> http://makotobmp.tumblr.com/
> 
> Comments are always very appreciated, they keep me motivated!
> 
> Ciao~


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